23 weeks – The Struggle Is Real

Ever seen a bug on the ground, that’s somehow landed on it’s back and can’t seem to roll over?  This morning…. I was that bug.

As per usual, I woke up with a strong urge to pee.  However, between the memory foam mattress, all encompassing pregnancy pillow and rock solid belly… I was stuck.  And not stuck in a “oh this will be hard to get out of” way, but like in a “oh my god I going to pee myself aren’t I” way.  In an attempt to resolve the matter, I pushed one side of my pregnancy pillow off the bed.  2 points for Kristen. Then, in what I can only compare to the scene in Wolf of Wallstreet when Leonardo DiCaprio tries to get into his car after doing a shitload of quaaludes, I flung my body over to the edge of the bed.  I won’t say it was my proudest moment, but I will say that I’m glad only one of my dogs got to witness whatever the hell move that was. The next part was probably the trickiest.  I did this rock back and forth motion trying to get momentum to propel myself off the bed. After about 6 rocks I launched myself off the side and by the grace of God landed on my feet.  The take away from this little story is…don’t take for granted what it’s like to bend at the waist.

Truth be told, I’ve always thought pregnant women were being dramatic.  I’m guilty of seeing pregnant women ask for help to get out of a chair and rolling my eyes, thinking, “Why do they act so helpless and lazy?  Just stand up, you aren’t disabled! Ugh I definitely won’t be like that when I’m pregnant.”  Oh former Kristen…lol  This morning was your karma.  The struggle is real.  Getting up isn’t easy.

How far along: 23 weeks, 119 days left

Due date: September 13, 2015

Weight Gain: 9 lbs. Still feeling like 60% of that is boobs.  The boob spurts are out of control. I had a dream last night that my boobs ballooned up so big that I could rest my chin on them and that I became known as boob girl on the internet.  It was actually quite a disturbing dream.

Symptoms: back pain…heartburn and back pain.  Not sure if it’s the ginormous boobs messing with my center of gravity or the little guy in side of me playing a game of “lets sit on mommy’s sciatic nerve”, but either way the pain is no joke.  This past week I contorted my body into some super weird prenatal yoga positions trying to find relief, but that really only led to my dog thinking I was trying to play with her and licking my face. Lets see…. besides back pain and heartburn…and lets face it, water will give me heartburn at this point, the only other big inconvenience is my ever-growing belly.  The limited range of motion and sight is making it quite difficult to shave my nether regions.  Not sure what kind of Edward Scissorhands masterpiece I’ve hacked down there, but I’m certain once my husband takes a look, he’ll either be incredibly impressed or frightened. I’ll keep you posted.

Cravings: Sleep.

Sleep: okay-ish.  I say okay-ish b/c I’m getting use to the sleep deprivation. Usually I wake up to pee. Sometimes I wake up b/c I’ve accidentally rolled onto my back.  My body likes to wakes me up when I roll onto my back.  You know how sometimes when you’re falling asleep, your body will like jolt and you feel like you’re falling and it wakes you up pretty violently?  Ok it’s kind of like that, but like more pain…and gasping for air.  Whatever wakes me up…that’s it for a few hours.  I’m either perusing Pinterest for crafts I’ll never do or reading the forums on my What to Expect app. Note to self: stop reading the forums, Kristen, those women are crazy.

Belly button: in, but definitely more “out” than it’s ever been.  Feels like all week I’ve been fishing out lint from years past.  It’s almost like a time capsule of questionable outfits I’ve worn…saving tiny pieces of cotton for me to find on this magical day.  Once I return to my former self, I definitely am gonna try to maintain belly button cleanliness more.

Exercise: Due to the back pain, I decided to take the week off of working out.  Although at this point, I consider getting up in the morning and going to work as exercise…also breathing…and walking to the bathroom.  Pretty much living is exercise.  Hopefully next week I’ll get back on it.

Maternity Clothes: I’ve been rotating between maternity pieces and non maternity pieces.  The truth is…maternity jeans are what dreams are made of.  I hate whoever invented the zipper.  Not sure how can I ever go back. Another problem, for another day.

Excited: for him to come out.  I know that’s crazy to be saying when I’m just past half way, but when my app told me he was the size of a mango, I thought…a MANGO??!! yeaaaaa now would be a good time for babies to be delivered.  Feels like every mom in the world could deliver a mango without too many complaints…watermelon? not so much.

Missing: working out, sauna, not being treated like i’m disabled…and really just being myself.  I always knew that being a mom would change my life, but I never realized that that started when you become pregnant. Every single thing you do, think, eat, etc…well it’s all for somebody else.

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22 Weeks – Mother of Dragons

Happy Mother’s Day to all women! I say to all women because lets be honest, we’re all mothering someone, whether it be a baby, an animal or…a husband. Well some ass hat in my SEPTEMBER 2015 BABIES group on the What to Expect app had strong opinions otherwise. Admitting to you guys that I read these forums is harder for me than it is for you, trust me. It’s the Kardashian crack of the mommy world…you can’t…stop…reading… This particular whack nut posted a topic entitled “Want to know what really pisses me off?”  powerless, I clicked…  It continued “when people on Facebook wish other women Happy Mother’s Day because they have dogs! Fur babies are not real babies and it dilutes the meaning of Mother’s Day! Get real, you are not a mother until you labor for 36 hours and give birth to your human child! Ugh!”

You should know that in all five and a half months of being pregnant, I’ve only responded to the forum once, to lend my opinion on circumcision…a decision I still have nightmares about. But like 12 year olds to Justin Bieber, I couldn’t help but take a whack at it.  The specifics of how I responded aren’t important, but I want to take this moment to say she was wrong.  I don’t see how someone wishing someone else Happy Mother’s Day should have any affect on anyone else’s Mothers Day, but it makes me sad to know people like this are procreating.  There are are so many things that make a person a mother and I can assure you that shooting a baby out of your vagina isn’t the only criteria.  There are foster parents, adoptive parents, parents who can’t have kids who have fur babies and treat them like kids…There are lots of mothers out there.  Being able to get pregnant and carry your child to term doesn’t make you better or more deserving than anyone else, it makes you luckier. So Fuck You crazy forum lady and I hope you don’t teach your kid such hate.  And with that I say Happy Mother’s Day to anyone who feels like a mother.  I know that having this kid will change my life in ways I can’t possibly imagine, but I can assure you for the past 5 years I have been a mother to my little dogs.  I’ve had late nights worried about a cough, cried when they went into surgery, cuddled with them when they were scared of the rain and yes…expressed anal glands when Marty couldn’t stop scooting across the carpet…you better believe I’ve been their mother.

How far along: 22 weeks, 126 days left

Due date: September 13, 2015

Weight Gain: 9 lbs.

Symptoms: So much peeing.  The frequency with which I have to pee these days would have you thinking I’m a slutty college student with a UTI.  That being said, I’m feeling satisfied with my decision to buy a padded toilet seat years ago.  My lower back itches like hell. The itchiness has definitely stepped it up a notch. I guess my baby is using skin from my back to stretch itself forward? I’m just gonna be over here hoping Trader Joe’s keeps my favorite Coconut Oil in stock and that I look like this when I grease up every morning.

Cravings: Sleep…and crumpets, still.

Sleep: meh. I miss sleeping through the night.  I’m just so monstrous now, that I can’t get comfortable. Either way I lay, some part of me is angry. I lay flat on right side, I get heartburn.  I lay on my side propped up, my neck hurts.  I lay on my back, I can’t breath.  I lay on my stom…hahahaha lets be honest that ship sailed a while ago.  The optimal position is on my left side with my arm under the pregnancy pillow, with my boobs delicately cushioned on top.  Here is a picture of a woman with great toenail polish I found on google who makes it look easy.

Belly button: in, but like Lance Bass in 2006…becoming more out every day.

Exercise: Still been doing UFC Fit every day, but my back has started hurting, so I’m gonna take a few days off and see how it goes.  I don’t think it’s working out that’s causing the pain.  In fact I’m 90% certain it’s just another symptom of growing a human, but better safe than sorry.

Maternity Clothes: I got 2 boxes of maternity clothes from my cousin.  My body thanks her.

Excited: to see how the dogs are going to react to him.  Not sure if they’re just gonna sniff him a lot or run away. Except for Shelby…she’ll probably just bark at it.  Why do you ask? b/c that’s what she does…she barks…at everything.  Note to self: Add shock collar to baby registry.

Ears don't fit in the square. #redbandana #bloodorcrypt?

A photo posted by Kristen Quintrall (@kristenquintrall) on

Missing: getting up and doing stuff…quickly.  That…and my old boobs…the smaller ones that fit into the cute bras.

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21 Weeks – Just call me Kristen “the earthquake”

~Actual conversation with my husband that happened this week~

Anthony: (startled from a dead sleep) whoa was that an earthquake?!?
Me: (wide awake with heartburn) no I just rolled over
Anthony: oh ok (falls back asleep)
Me: sigh 🙈

To go with this story, I’m going to post an actual photo of me below.

Screen Shot 2015-01-29 at 11.06.29 AM

We had our anatomy scan on Monday, which is by far the coolest thing I’ve experienced yet.  They show you everything. It’s like a guided tour through your baby’s insides.  A once in a lifetime event to see all four chambers of your son’s heart beating. I just kept staring at the screen thinking…he didn’t even exist a few months ago…and now he looks like an actual human…I should get a medal or something.

At one point she flipped it in 3D mode and I muttered “oh holy shit!” There he was kicking, punching, and flailing around.  It was at this moment the nurse started making some weird dance music with her mouth as if that was the cause of his great dance moves. She won’t win Grammys, but I went with it. She tried 7 times to snap a photo of him before saying “Well you definitely have yourselves an active baby.”  It should be noted that she is the now the 4th technician to say that.

He’s kinda blurry, but here he is.  Anthony says this is how I look when I’m sleeping.

Sidenote: I know I’m fixating, but his shoulder is super cute lol Probably the cutest shoulder I have ever seen. He should win a “Best Shoulder” medal….if they make those.


Here is his first dick pic.


And just when things were wrapping up, something strange made an appearance on the ultrasound.  There I was as Anthony, the nurse and the doctor all watched apple juice I had drank before my appt, dump into my bladder and startle my baby.  No seriously, it swooshed into my bladder and he jumped.  It was then that the doctor announced to the room, “Looks like some fluids just went into your bladder. Good to know everything is in working order with you too, Mom!”  I’m thinking…”Thanks! Glad you all could be here to see my pee on the inside. What a momentous day for us all.”

How far along: 21 weeks, 133 days left

Due date: Still September 13, 2015

Weight Gain: 8 lbs.

Symptoms: Besides the usual suspects (frequent peeing, itchiness, disturbing dreams, weird boob stuff, etc)…he’s kicking so hard you can finally feel it from the outside. I keep getting worried he might kick so violently he’ll pop through like that alien in Spaceballs with the top hat and killer dance moves. I’m not sure if I like the feeling yet.  Right now it’s just kinda weird.  Also I really hope I don’t have a dream about that alien from Spaceballs.

Cravings: I’m still not sold on the whole “pregnancy craving thing”, but I have been eating lots of crumpets! I wouldn’t say that I’ve been craving them at 2am or doing weird stuff like sending Anthony to the store at inappropriate times like they do in the movies, but I did buy a pack at the grocery store and they are delicious.  It’s my new breakfast thing.  Baby likes crumpets…Kristen likes crumpets…or as I like to call them “half an English Muffin”.

Sleep: I’m not sure what that word means.

Belly button: in, just not as in as it was…

Exercise: UFC Fit.  I’ve still been doing the modified routines every day.  Ironically, when I work out, I’m far less tired throughout the day.  Before I started this, you might’ve mistaken me for a extra on The Walking Dead, but no more.  I’m a lean, mean…not as tired human making machine.

Maternity Clothes: A rotation of Anthony’s shirts plus a pair of maternity pants I got at H&M.

Excited: to see what he looks like when he’s not all smushed up against my placenta. Call me crazy, but from that picture I think he has my face shape…and Anthony’s mouth. Ahhhh it’s like come on out already crazy baby!

Missing: wine…red wine…specifically a glass of J. Lohr 2011 Merlot.  One of my best friends is in town visiting and it doesn’t feel right going to bed without purple teeth.  Gotta be honest, even if I was a progressive French woman who still believed alcohol was ok during pregnancy…it would not be worth the heartburn. Repeat…nothing is worth heartburn. Note to self: remember to thank baby Jesus for the invention of Tums.

Here is a picture of me and my friend I usually drink wine with.  As you can see, we are really sexy people.
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